


Things Your Father Never Said

by Ellelalie



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Original Trilogy
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-14
Updated: 2016-02-15
Packaged: 2018-05-20 14:24:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6011011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ellelalie/pseuds/Ellelalie





	1. Chapter 1

1\. _You are stronger than you realise._  
Leia Organa is strong. A lot stronger than she thought, even with the threat of bodily harm and various other techniques of torture. She doesn’t know how she’s even able to breathe after the destruction of Alderaan, but she does and she throws her heart and soul into the only thing that can and should destroy the Empire for good. She dances on the edge of barely functioning to wanting to sleep for a few billion years, she’s just so tired. So instead, she doesn’t think about it. It’s better that way.

  
2\. _You are crueller than you realise & the smallest words will break your heart._  
The words, those savage words that slip out of her mouth in those heated arguments, surprise everyone, most especially her. They are the words she most desperately wishes she could eat, make them disappear from the minds of those she said it to and from her mind as well. She wishes she could forget, forget the guilt and the cruelty she’s capable of when she’s angry. Words that should not be said, never and definitely not in a light argument between lovers. The smallest words can do the biggest damage.

  
3\. _You will change. You’re not the same person you were three years ago. You’re not even the same person you were three minutes ago and that’s okay._  
Leia often looks in the mirror, when she’s doing her hair, or washing her face, or brushing her teeth, or anything for that matter and her mind wanders. She knows she’s changed emotionally and physically but she finds herself wondering, years later, if her father would recognize her if he saw her now. Would he still smile in that steady, stabilizing way that would make her feel like everything would be okay? Would her mom laugh and help braid her hair, humming a lullaby that made her insides feel like marshmallows. Sometimes she wishes she knew the answers, sometimes she doesn’t. She thinks about that life and how innocent everything was, sure, she was helping the rebellion but it never felt like it had any consequence tied to what she was doing. Until it had dire consequences, until people started dying, until planets disappeared in a blink of an eye. Sometimes she wonders how it would have been if she’d been raised by her blood parents, loved and cradled by Anakin Skywalker and Padme Amidala. She dismisses that last thought as quickly as it comes. She’s not sure if she likes change or despises it, it’s a very fine line.

  
4\. _People come and go. Some are cigarette breaks, others are forest fires._  
Since she met Luke Skywalker and Han Solo, she feels like she’s just been putting out fires. Some seem harmless, but leave it unattended for a second and it turns into raging fires that are uncontrollable. She sometimes feels like someone set a fire in her, consuming everything until her temper and biting tongue is all there is. She often feels like this when Han is around and less often when Luke is around. Any more uncontrollable fires and she’s going to start breaking down like the Millennium Falcon.

  
5\. _You won’t like your name until you hear someone say it in their sleep._  
She never thought about her name much, it was hers. Leia Organa. Never thought about the meaning or really even the sound. It was just her name, people made sure they pronounced it right because they did not want to offend the Alderaani Princess. So, not much thought was ever truly put into her name, on her behalf. Well, until she met a scruffy nerf-herder who used anything else besides her name. She would never admit it, not even on her death bed, but the first time she heard Han Solo say her name she froze and then kind of melted. It took her a good five minutes to get her feet moving and force them to carry her out of the dark room where he slept and mumbled in his sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

_6\. You’ll forget your email password but in the future you’ll still remember the number of steps up to his flat._

Years after they met, years after the war, after years of cuddling together and having the Millennium Falcon as the closest thing they have as a home, after technically out growing ole aunt Millie, because they have the twins and little Nik now. After all that, Leia still remembers, the first time she climbed aboard the Falcon, the amount of steps she counted from entering the battered ship to reach the cockpit of questionable capabilities.

 

_7\. You don’t have to open the curtains if you don’t want to._

Sometimes, it’s too difficult to get out of bed, it is like the world and all its gods and goddesses are sitting on her chest. Making it hard to breathe. Making it hard to be, and functioning like a normal human being is impossible.

The gnawing grief that lingers in the soul. The lasting effect of what she had been through, too heavy a mantle for today, for this day. Not that it is a special day, most times that it happens it isn’t, but sometimes it is.

Han and Luke are extra loud and cheery on those days, making her favourite foods and sometimes just sitting with her. Reminding her gently that they are still here. And aren’t leaving.

 

_8\. Never stop yourself from texting someone. If you love them at 4 a.m, tell them. If you still love them at 9.30 am, tell them again._

She bit her lip a lot, kept herself from saying what she wanted to say. In the time of the Death Star and the rebellion all she thought was revenge, vicious and red tinted memories. It kept her going throughout the entire war, revenge revenge revenge. And despite all the odds the two nerf herders crawled into her frozen heart, but instead of cracking it, shattering it beyond all belief like she feared, they slowly, carefully defrosted her heart.

She does not miss opportunities now, she couldn’t say goodbye to her parents nor her planet but she’ll be damned if she doesn’t kiss Han in the middle of the night or press her nose into the crook of Luke’s neck, or pepper her children with kisses whenever she gets the urge. She’ll be that guy, she’ll happily be that mom.

 

_9\. Make sure you have a safe place. Whether it’s the kitchen floor or the Travel section of a bookshop, just make sure you have a safe place & You will be scared of all kinds of things, of spiders and clowns and eating alone but your biggest fear will be that people will see you the way you see yourself._

As a child, she loved the palace she grew up in, she knew where all the nooks and crannies were. Knew it like the back of her hand. But her favourite place, when she did something naughty or needed time to herself was in the trees. There was one tree in particular, it had the perfect handholds and it was tall. It was her tree.

She climbed it until she was nineteen. Then it was taken from her along with everything in the universe that she loved.

Ironically enough, she found her place again, this time in the bucket of bolts called the Millennium Falcon, the room that Han had lovingly dubbed the Captain’s Quarters.

 

_10\. Sometimes, looking at people is like looking at the sun. Sometimes people look at you like you are the sun. Wait for it._

She remembers the earliest thought of her father, she compared him to the sun. Bright, happy and strong. The sun. The strongest in their solar system, the roiling ball of gas was good for her planet and every planet in their solar system. Yes, her dad was the sun for so many years she didn’t know how to adjust to a sunless world.

But adjust she did, because there was no way she would survive otherwise and if there was one thing her father had wanted for her, it was to live.

So survive she did, not quite sure how she did it, surviving and putting every last breath into taking the Empire down. Down where they could no longer hurt, maim or kill anyone.

She was so caught up in her revenge that she did not want to acknowledge the scruffy owner of the Millennium Falcon, where she practically lived along with Luke and Chewie. Despite actually having actual quarters elsewhere. Luke always managed to lure her back to the Falcon where she inevitably falls asleep against Chewbacca’s coarse warm fur. But seeing as she spends so much time aboard said ship, not acknowledging him would bring a whole armful of problems.

So they argue back and forth, biting at each other over the smallest offence. And she feels better. She doesn’t know what that means. It’s only after he bodily dragged her out of the icy hideout and being stranded in the middle of space that she understands.

She understands and it scares her.

He looks at her, like Bail looked at Breha, like she was the sun, bright, shining and something he couldn’t look away from.


End file.
